Dreams and the Imagination of God

I have this one recurring theme in my dreams, and have been having it for a while.

I am behind the wheel, but my dream is not specific on where I am going. I'm cruising along, but suddenly I need to brake to avoid an obstacle (what this obstacle is varies on the dream), but no matter how early I brake or how hard I press down, I do not slow. I never stop in time.

Usually dreams don't mean a thing, just a collective mishmash of the day's conscious experience left unprocessed. The dreams which usually mean something either have nothing to do with the day's events, or recur constantly.

If I had to guess what it meant, it's about the fear of losing control, of being helpless beyond my limits. When I was younger was the first time I had this dream, and that fear of losing control had very real effects in my daily non-dream life. This was before I knew how to drive, obviously. Part of the reason I didn't get my license until really late is because I had a fear of driving due to my dream.

I never told anyone this of course, I'd get the whole "John, That's completely irrational" line. Yea I get it, it doesn't make sense to be afraid because of my imagination, but it doesn't make the effects any less real for me. Never underestimate the power of the mind's imagination.

I lived a lot of my life in fear and disappointment because of my imagination. I would imagine the perfect scenario or relationship in my head, and when it fell short (which it always did) I would be upset or angry because it is not what I expected. Conversely, I lived in fear because my mind would imagine terrible things happening to either myself or people around me. A beam falling and crushing someone, a random drive by shooting, and car accidents could happen at any moment for me because I would see them happening in my head so I would be prepared. The world in which I lived I saw to be chaotic. Death was around every corner. Why? I imagined it to be and so it was.

Human beings have the remarkable capability to shape their own reality. No two people hold the same reality, but the degree in which we are constrained to our own individual realities affects the quality of our lives. That said, than freedom is this: The ability to step out of your own created reality and step into "True Reality". What do I mean by True Reality? That reality which, if true, is true to the experience of all people regardless of how they perceive it.

If this then is what True Reality is, it is impossible to find. All experience is always already interpreted experience. Nothing is free from the taint our perspective brings. For example, take Barack Obama: Some see a President, some see a Black Man, some see a White Man, some see a Rival, some see a Compatriot, and others still a Father, Son, or Husband. They have all experienced THAT which Obama is, but all differ to WHAT he is. So you see, all of our Subjective Reality is based on a larger Objective reality, but sadly we can only go so far as discovering Objective Reality through the collective Subjective Realities. What science touts as "Objectivity" is only at best "Inter-Subjectivity".

So if all we know is Subjective Reality, then all of our perceived reality is based on a Larger reality we cannot see or experience. Just then what is the nature of such Objective Reality in which all our Reality is based? If we borrow Paul Tillich's idea that God is "The ground of all being", then "God" (I've put God in quotation marks because I am merely talking about the concept, not the Person) fits the bill as that reality which all other reality is based, Objective Reality or "True Reality". But why then do not all people experience "God"?

They do, but what they call "God" or even how they see "God" varies greatly. Again, "God" is to some a Savior, to others a Judge, and other's still a false hypothesis. The great flaw in subjective reality is that no one who remains in it will ever see or experience "God". "God" has infinite access into every Subjective Reality, for every Reality is based off of "God", but no Subjective Reality has access to "God" except through what "God" makes known to them.

How does that which is Objective communicate with those who are Subjective? This is imagination at work. I mentioned at the very beginning that just because I had imagined something did not nullify the realness of it's effects. The phrase which drew me into faith is this: "If you want proof that God exists, live like He does." Preposterous nonsense, or so I thought. I did it anyway because I was a "scientist" and had nothing to lose. Why not test a hypothesis? Instead of using my imagination for fear and disappointment, I focused it into imagining God. I kept watching and waiting for "God" to happen, ever attentive because I didn't want to miss it if it did. Despite my doubts, and after many "Was that You, God?"s, God did happen.

Strange how when you leave an opening, it tends to get filled. A window was opened on my end in which Objective Reality could enter in, and I was instantly removed from my Subjective bubble and connected to the world through that which Connects all things. To use a technical metaphor, I turned on my modem and was connected.

Not all imagination is bad imagination. Unlike my previous imaginations in which I had to continually tell myself "No, that's not real and won't happen", this one required a different faith. Instead I'm faced with this "imagination" of God, and must convince myself daily of His being Real. Again you may give me the "John, that is irrational" line. I admit it is, but like I said before, just because I imagined it, doesn't make it's effects any less real for me. I enjoy large benefits from my "imagination" that are not simply "pretend". As long as God remains real to me, then He will continue to be real.

Disclaimer: The following section contains Christian content and application and should not be viewed if you only wanted to read about philosophy. Scroll down to the second set of italics if you want to read on.

However, my imagination has a limit. I cannot imagine for other people. Therefore I cannot share this "God" I found with anyone else, and they would just have to take my word that "God" exists until they themselves begin the process of Imagining. How will they believe me when I tell them? Like I said, they will see the effects of my imagination in my life.

Example: A friend tells you he has a diamond ring in his pocket and is about to propose. When you ask him to see the ring, he refuses, saying "It is for his girl to see first". How do you know he is telling the truth? There are a few questions you could ask: Does he look nervous? Does he keep looking at his watch? Is he dressed nicely? Indeed, you merely only have to see the effects to deduce that his proposing is a reality.

That's the funniest thing about Christian evangelism today: It doesn't work. Simply telling someone that you believe in "God" is no evidence in and of itself, but rather living as if "God" was real is all the "evangelism" you need to get people asking questions. No one is a witness nowadays, everyone just talks about their imaginations every chance they get and try to convince each other what they imagine is better than another's. Questions like "How do I steer a conversation towards the Lord?" are completely unhelpful and covey a sense of insincerity in conversation. You aren't listening to the other person so much as waiting to pounce on them if they say anything remotely religious. Spiritual headhunting I'd call it.

When I think about "the woman at the well" as described in John 4, her witness was a very doubt filled question "Come, see a man who has told me everything I ever did. Could this be the Christ?" (John 4:29 NIV) She didn't even believe for herself first before telling others about the effect that meeting this man had on her! Her witness came out of doubt but hope that it was real, which is where I believe the most effective witness comes from. Something about what she did got an entire town to come and see for themselves, and I doubt it was her words alone, but the curiosity that they brought and the uncharacteristic nature of her actions (we could do a character study on her, but that would be another post). It was then that the whole town said "We no longer believe just because of what you said; now we have heard for ourselves." (John 4:42 NIV).

If I should ever down the road decide that "God is not real", it would be impossible me to forget "God" and would take faith for me to convince myself that "God is not real, stop thinking He is." Either way is faith, so why not take the faith the gives me the benefits? It's very pragmatic, I know, but it's the only thing I have to go on some days. I am glad I keep going because I remember what it was like to not have my imagination used in a positive way. It is as Peter said, "To whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life" (John 6:68 NIV) This is not to say I am not free, as I am free to leave if I want, but I choose to remain.

This concludes the Christian segment.

If you were to ask me "Why believe in God?" I would simply reply "Why Not?" Even if all "God" was was a way to train the imagination to have a healthy and balanced world view, is that not reason in itself to say "God" is a healthy part of any relationship? The thing that "God" is so much more than I ever thought it would be and all because of my wild imagination. There is just something about expecting and waiting for something to happen that makes it all the more likely you'll see it come to pass. Call it wish fulfillment or divine providence or what have you, but the truth remains, "If you want proof that God exists, live like He does."

Now of course that begs the ever popular question of this age: Which "God" is the right God?

The Parable of the Architect

There was an Architect who had a grand design to build the most elaborate house anyone has ever seen, but he does not have the time to complete the task. He hires carpenters, masons, sculptors, artists, metalworkers, plumbers, electricians, painters, roofers, and landscapers to complete the task in his absence. He finances them and takes his leave to attend to other matters, but his workers in his absence do not do what he asked them too! Instead they spend his money to build their own homes. They ignore his supervisors and mistreat them, and when the Architect hears all of what is going on he is furious. "If these men whom I have chosen will not do my work, than I shall find men who will."

The Architect sent his son to fire the old workers and bring in all sorts of unskilled men and women to work on his house with the promise that whoever helps to build the house will have a room in it to live. The son came and announced this message, "Behold! My father has committed you to work on his house, but you've spent your wages on your own! As you have robbed my father, He will now rob you of your wages. Let anyone come to build this house which you have forsaken, anyone at all, for they will surely live in it. These are the Words of my father!"

The workers were furious with the son for firing them and they had him killed in spite as they left and buried him in the foundation. The poor, the hungry, and the meek heard the son's words before he died the word spread quickly amongst them. All sorts soon flocked to build his house for no wages except for the promise of his Father's word that they will dwell in it while those men who already built their own houses sat there in comfort saying "Look! We've already built our own homes! What need have we for his house?"

The new workers struggle to read the plans the Architect has set out, having only the words and guidance of the Architect's master apprentice. Much of what is done must be undone, much of what is gained is lost again as some do not listen to the apprentice and build the house their own way. The progress is slow, but steady amid arguments among the workers over the best way to build.

Some think to themselves "I do not want to live along side THOSE people coming now to build" and deny them saying "The Architect does not want you here!" Others say "The less people who build, the more space I will have!" and still others say "If I can make others build alongside me, then the quicker I will get to live in this house!" Few are the people who say to themselves "I will teach those around me what I have learned in how to build this house" and still fewer who say"I will build for the Architect who has promised me this place."

Nevertheless, despite their lack of cooperation and despite their imperfect obedience, despite their selfish intentions and despite themselves, the Architect's plan is being carried out. The house will be finished and there the Architect will dwell with his workers forever while those outside will look on with jealousy for it truly is the most magnificent house ever built.

Much love,

John Dao

P.S. This is how I like to reflect on God and my own theology. The analogies are not meant to be perfect analogies, but rather serve to highlight certain aspects of the story (like all analogies). Of course I do not mean this to be an overarching summary of ALL theology nor do I make claims this is an accurate representation of the Story of God, but like most parables I intend it to bring out one aspect.

In our Defenses

Back in college, I wrote a research paper proposing that there were two types of Self-Esteem, implicit and explicit. This isn't a new idea, but I wanted to expound on it. There have been arguments that having a lot of self esteem is a good thing, but also arguments that it is a bad thing as well. My paper was a resolution to this debate. It had 4 archetypes of people in it, varying my their intersections of implicit and explicit self esteem. I proposed we had Low Implicit Self Esteem (LISE) and High Implicit Self Esteem people (HISE) as well as Low Explicit Self Esteem (LESE) and High Explicit Self Esteem (HESE) people. Here are my descriptions of what each type might look like:

• LISE/LESE: These people would be your "downers". They don't have very much value in themselves and more often than not let themselves get pushed around. They tend to be people pleasers as well, in hopes of gaining recognition and feelings of worth through service. Easily abused, they seem to just take insults like a sponge.
• LISE/HESE: Because of their low implicit self worth, they try to mask it with a High Explicit Self Esteem. These are very dangerous folks, as they are like eggs filled with nitroglycerin. They constantly pick fights with other people stronger than they, are very jealous in relationships, and cannot let the tiniest of insults go without making a ruckus over it. Anything that challenges their explicit self esteem generates a huge amount of "Ego threat". To are so stalwart in defending because if anything gets through their shell, their soft insecurity ridden center will be exposed. They have a lot to lose if their self-esteem is compromised. The classic "Tough guy" act.
• HISE/HESE: They generally always feel very good about themselves, but do come off as smug, cocky, and arrogant, but they don't care what you think of them. Probably very used to being treated like royalty because of who they are, they let their accomplishments get to their head. They are able to control their tempers a lot more than the previous type, as really they already know they are all that and a bag of chips. Will fight if you need to be put in your place, but it's no big deal if they lose as they will usually have a smug comeback. The high amount of pride allows them to shrug off most insults.
• HISE/LESE: This is a very interesting type of person. They really aren't provoked to anger about anything concerning their own integrity and anything negative said to them they would probably agree with and laugh along. However they will defend another person's dignity. They have an air of calmness and humility around them. They really don't have anything to prove to anyone. Think Ghandi or Jesus here.

I mentioned "Ego Threat" before. Let me expound: Ego threat is the amount of perceived harm from incoming negative actions. Ego in general applies more to the Explicit self esteem system. A LISE/LESE would experience little to no ego threat because they simple have no "ego" to lose. the LISE/HESE in converse would experience very high amounts of Ego Threat, because the difference between their two esteems is rather large, thus they have a lot more to lose (i.e. it is all they have going for them). HISE/HESE would be more like the LISE/LESE, but slightly more because they can be provoked given a sufficient challenge to their authority. They do show more resiliency towards insults. The HISE/LESE would experience no ego threat as well, but have more positive regard afterwards than the LISE/LESE who is more prone to sulking and brooding in their dejectedness.

The Explicit Self esteem system mainly is fueled by competition. By being better at something than someone, they gain explicit self-esteem. Examples include academics, fighting, business, beauty, faith (the "Who's a better Christian" contests are quite ironic), etc. If you can compete in it, you can gain explicit self esteem.

Implicit self esteem is fueled by something different, innate knowledge and acceptance of who one is. It's who one identifies to be and a full embrace of who that is. Both negative and positive are taken together to form the whole of a person. Needless to say, Implicit self esteem is harder to gain, but even harder to lose. Some notable sources of Implicit Self Esteem have been noted as Virtue (being a good or moral person) and interestingly enough, God's love.

I'm beginning to see that perhaps there is a bigger expansion of this theory into all areas in which one can feel esteem. The most pertinent to me is Faith. This is taken from Donald Miller's Blog (http://donmilleris.com/2010/01/13/1513/):

I’ve also found that the more I trust in Christ’s redemption to be sufficient, the less overtly religious I am. And, quite honestly, the more suspect overtly religious people become to me. When I’m with somebody who talks zealously about faith, about Jesus, about the Bible, after a while, I find myself wondering whether or not their faith is strong at all. For instance, if I were with somebody who kept talking about how much they loved their wife, going on loudly and profusely, intuitively I would wonder whether or not they were struggling in their marriage. I would wonder whether they were trying to convince me they loved their wife, or if they were trying to convince themselves. (Now that I think of it, though, some of my favorite people talk about how much they love their wives, but these are less public proclamations and more sighs of appreciation.) Faith in Christ, for me, is similar. It’s intimate. I’m more comfortable giving quiet prayers, intimate prayers. Often alone, in fact. I speak of faith the way I speak of personal matters. Of course there is a time for proclamations, but that’s the key, isn’t it? There’s a time. Anyway, I love that the New Testament is mostly intimate letters written to small groups of people who met in homes. I like the quiet authenticity of our faith.

Do you see what process he is describing? It's the difference between a LISE/HESE Christian and a HISE/LESE Christian. What I mean to say is this: one of the clearest signs that someone is not firm in their faith is their defensiveness. Those who aren't firm in their faith will often erupt in backlash to anyone who criticizes it. There is no "Quiet Authenticity" which Donald speaks about, rather zealous defense of a religion that if true, should need no defense. There is a process of maturity that happens as the beliefs are made more solid. There is no longer a need to constantly justify why you believe what you believe at every joke or criticism, not because of a loss in faith but because of a loss in religious pride.

There I said it, religion and it's practice can make you prideful. Being able to hold the position of "salvation" can carry with it an attitude of "I have better beliefs than you". It makes one seem privileged and can easily be lorded over people. You've heard it before from Christians, I'm sure. They brag about how good God is at every chance they get, inserting Him into everything in some sort of twisted evangelism. They brag about how good it feels to be saved, and express pity on those who are not like they. They are doing the Lord's work in their own eyes, and are above reproach because of it. Scripture affirms them and their actions, and not the other way around. They are better Christians, period. How do I know so much to be making these strong accusations? Well, I was one of them.

I was a foolish child who let his mouth run ahead of him. My brother's and sisters will attest this is usually what I've always done. I was given Scripture not knowing how powerful it was, and I used it irresponsibly. Children should not wield swords. I nearly cut off all my good friends mishandling God's word or at least left them mutilated. I still regret every word I said and every wound I inflicted. Even if God forgives me, I have a hard time forgiving myself. I would beg new Christians not to speak about Scripture until they are ready to do so responsibly and be accountable to every word they say. Let Scripture speak for itself, invite others to partake in reading it with you. Tell others what you have been getting out of it, and that's it. Be honest, not overbearing. Be loving, not obnoxious.

I've since settled in my beliefs. I know who I am and who I am is in transition to who I was made to be. I still say dumb things and I still am prideful, but at least now I can recognize them where I was once blind. I've been humbled, not by my own effort, but by being made known of my pride. This is your psychology tidbit for the evening: One of the clearest signs that someone is not firm in their faith is their defensiveness.

Separation Anxiety

A song I wrote. These are the lyrics.

I am not a man

who's worth any gold

but found in your hands

my beauty unfolds

da-da-da-da-da da

da-da-da-da-da da

Take another look

I'm sure you'll find

the love that you left

left me behind

And I know

yea I know

You're the only answer

And I know

Yea I know

That I'm going to find a way

To run straight into

your arms of grace

I just want

to seek your face

to run straight into

your arms of grace

I just wanted

you to know...

these are the days

that I fear the most

am I really here

or just some sort of ghost?

oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo

oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo

Nothing left to say

we're drifting apart

but that's the only way

to keep you close to my heart

And I know

yea I know

that this won't last forever

And I know

Yea I know

That I'm going to find a way

To run straight into

your arms of grace

I just want

to seek your face

to run straight into

your arms of grace

I just wanted

you to know...

It Takes Heart

In the Valley of blood, a river flows like crimson through the misty scape. All along her banks laid watch towers, as high as the eagle soars, guarding her best kept secrets for there amongst the willows lay an altar of purest gold and adorned with rubies. Water flows out from its sides like velvet, the water of life which pays tribute to the river. But carelessness has left this altar to be defiled. A golden calf formed from the gold of the altar stands in its place, its eyes the very rubies that once spoke of life pierce the souls of those who would gaze upon it. It has slain the generations. It has enslaved it's sons, bound to it as sacrifices. So long has it stood, it's meaning long forgotten. That is, until he returned.

The creator of the Valley and the altar within returned to find nothing he remembered. His words were like fire, and his tears were blood. He gazed upon the calf, and it trembled before him, but not even the creator was spared from being sacrificed to it. His wrath burned against his flesh, his blood molten from the heat. But he did not die. Rather, he remained turned to fire, burning ever so intensely on that calf that it too melted. That golden calf is now dethroned, and the gold and rubies now fashion a throne for that everlasting pyre. There he remains and there he reigns, a living sacrifice for all to see!