Don't take me lightly

Hidden between the folds of light
the heart after your own heart
a heart of darkness
blanketed in light like satin

This paper heart creased
under it's own weight
like origami drenched
with guilt like gasoline

Because I've walked through
the valley of the shadow
of death only to find
that the shadow was me

Oh my soul's a piece of coal
I only want to burn brightly
even if just to escape the dark
could I get a light?

Better late than never

"I can't believe this"

These were my exasperated thoughts. I am stuck behind the slowest car on the road. They finally turn off the street, and I hit a red light. A big truck now comes out in front of me and it's a one lane road. On top of that, I already left 10 minutes later than I should have to get to church on time. No matter what I did, I could not win the race to get to church. I hit every single red light possible. "God must be teasing me" I thought, "Because I'm so angry at everyone for no reason."

I already know this about myself: I'm an impatient driver. People are more often IN MY WAY, than other drivers trying to get to where they are going. "I'm actually late this time," I thought "so I have a right to drive fast." But nonetheless, there I was, STUCK on my way to worship. This was no kind of attitude that the Lord would have me have.

Do you think God would put all those cars and red lights for me to teach me something? I think He would, because God is funny. Don't think so? The third car I was stuck behind (in the never ending chain of slow cars) had a license plate frame that said "Take it easy!" It made me chuckle and lightened my mood a bit. "That God is a funny one" I thought. The second thing I noticed on that car was the auto dealership sticker it was from: "Pride automotives". "Great," I thought. "My pride is brought up... the part of myself I wish I did not have but yet is so strong in me. Is my driving prideful?" More selfish if anything, but still my own goals superseded the ones of those around me causing me to view them as not human beings to love, but as obstacles to curse.

So I took it easy and enjoyed the rest of my drive, not caring if I got there on time. Still hit all the red lights, but it didn't really matter to me anymore. Turns out the entire band was late to get started with practice, so I was on time anyway. God saved my attitude.

So the moral is: If you don't think God can talk to you through a license plate holder, you should take Him out of that box you have Him in. God is trying to tell you all sorts of things if you pay attention!

Autumn Vignette

Two leaves entwined dance along a cobblestone path

caring not what stones their feet touch

or on what road they travel for

they are lost in the moment

in the fluid moment

that bridges that gaps of reality

that binds them here in bliss

even if for so brief a moment as this

The wind follows up at their heels

in silent syncopation keeping the beat

as more leaves join the parade

rousing others to join in chorus

in the rhythmic chorus

that coaxes them from their trees

that bids them gaily where to fall

every leaf just happy it's there at all

The clouds have funneled and heavens shake

the last storm to be seen for days

The leaves excited animate with life

as they know not what's the reason

the reason of the season

that steps into their hearts

that sends them along the street

not to shelter but to a melody

The tempo slows down to a crawl

the leaves they now begin to waltz

to the conductor's will they follow the lead

for its in their motion that they find rest

in the ceaseless rest

that calms their spirits' journey

that reminds them they were once alive

One and two and three, four, five...

Where's the maestro that directs the flow?

To where do all fallen leaves go?

It's a question not for leaves to know

to keep the spice of uncertainty

the story of uncertainty

that rejoices over requited love

that depicts the deepest sorrow

leaving the audience asking "Why?"

But is not a cloud a member of the sky?

though they themselves will fade, the sky remains

so move when moved, be still when stilled

press on through the unseen way

The divergent way

that only works to its good

that only works to its end

All leaves must move, none can stay

For every leaf has no hands

in which to hold onto this world

for they don't need them to dance

just their feet, just the music

the immaculate music

that guides their steps

that grounds them firmly

Freed from hands they soar by another's!

So when they let go of all they know

and all they have come to expect

they may just see through the tunnel

to the light that has not reached them yet

The glorious light

that sparkles off their eyes of Winter

that shines through the darkest tomb

that leaps off the tops of trees in rejoicing Spring

Words I Don't Like

Being a lover of language and word usage (as a word artist and technician), I love using words in new ways. However there are some words I dislike as well, and will try to stop using them. Here's a list:

Sinner
Evangelical (and words like it)
Secular
Theological words (Reformed, Calvinist, etc.)
Denominational words (Pentecostal, Anglican, Methodist, Baptist, etc.)
Evangelism
Christian
Homosexual
Heterosexual
Republican (including conservative, traditional, libertarian, etc.)
Democrat (Including liberal, progressive, etc.)
Race Words (Asian, Black, White, etc.)
Religious
Saved

The list goes on, but can you see a theme in these words? They are all labels.

The way we use words reflects the way we think about them, not the other way around. Take a race word for example "Asian". When you use this word you imply that there is a group of people completely separate from others unlike them. But to what kind of person do you actually refer? Someone with a certain culture, ethics, traits, upbringing, and mannerisms associated with a skin color. By this definition my race would be "White", but no one on first meeting me would ever say I was white. I would be Asian and have immediately associated to me the culture, values, and traits of being Asian regardless if I had them or not. I must live in the reality that people will always perceive me as that no matter what I may personally feel.

Let's take another word "Sinner". This word implies that this is a distinct person or group of people. Lets take another word "Christian". This also represents a group separate from other people. Is it surprising then that one could easily come to believe these two groups do not overlap? Let's take a third word "Homosexual". Does this word have a closer association to the word "Sinner" or the word "Christian". Why?

These words allow us to gather information about a person in a top down fashion. If you were asked to remember that Ralph is friendly, talkative, and effeminate among a list of 15 other people and personalities, you wouldn't do so well at remembering. However, if you were also told he is a hairdresser, you have no problem with those things. We all already have a mental image of what each of those three things are "Sinner, "Christian", and "Homosexual", and based on those mental schemata we can associate what is closely related to each other. The danger is this: we forget we are talking about people. An aggregate concept is dehumanizing and is easy to treat as such. The easier it is to put someone in a box, the easier it is to dismiss them entirely.

God's very first task for us was to NAME everything. We are good at giving names to things, at identifying, classifying, and organizing. We now use it to name each other. We know what people are: they are poor, homeless, gay, straight, religious, anarchist, republican, democrat, crazy, old, etc. Rarely do we know who people are. This only comes by a bottom up approach, you learn someone's passions and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses, and you get 1 schema for who that person is. Sometimes though, we fall into the trap of going top down after going bottom up (Ralph is talkative and effeminate so he is a hairdresser, which means that he is also gay and friendly.) It's logically inconclusive to assume these things, yet we all do.

All these words I've listed before mean so much to so many people that they mean nothing at all. I refuse to use words that I do not understand:

Personal Anecdote: As I was leading a Bible study, Jill and I decided it was time to change they way we did it. As we brainstormed, I tried to articulate what my vision for it was, using terms like GIG (Group investigating God) and others that seemed to me to mean what I said. Jill just asked me, "Okay so, what does that look like? What is that?" I flustered with my words, and said "Well, you know... a GIG..." Not a very good definition. She then asked that we don't use words that we don't know so we have a clearer picture of what we are doing and communicating.

This is not to be confused with words whose very meanings themselves are so abstract that they require a word, although the word does them no justice (God, love, truth, etc.) These concepts transcend words, but can only be expressed by them (paradox).

Words and communication are of the utmost importance to the person whose utmost concern is spreading the Gospel. When we use words to dehumanize someone, that is what I see as "cursing" (wishing ill upon another). Who likes to be marginalized?

Do you ever wonder why God is referred to as the Word? Because the Word has power! It can destroy, it can heal, it can grow, it can purify, it can satisfy. Our Words do this as well, what we say to each other is of the utmost importance. Do not waste your time on idle banter.

Who sinned?

Why does this bother me so much?

Today while on the way to Best Buy with a fellow Christian, we passed a man with a sign at an intersection. There was a red light so we stopped a little ahead of him. His sign said:

"Everyone needs a little help sometimes."

"Everyone needs a little help sometimes..." my friend repeated, "And I have no money."

"Well I have a tray full of change? Maybe...?"

"No, that's pittance. He doesn't need our pity." my friend cut me off.

"Well, maybe we could bring him with us to lunch?" I replied.

"Yea we could do that..."

We both sat there, knowing what would be the right thing to do, and I am sure both contemplating the implications of what such an action would mean and the inconvenience caused. Those 10 seconds until the green light hit were filled with moral tension. Our silence said everything as we turned the corner.

On our way back, we saw him again, only this time with two police cars accompanying him. It seemed that he was begging illegally or that they didn't want him there to be seen. Whatever the case, he was being dislocated or arrested.

It's not often a person gets to see the consequences of their action, but when you do, keep it with you as a reminder. Everyone passed this man by, but why does the burden lay on me?


John 9:49: Jesus said, “If you were blind, you would not be guilty of sin; but now that you claim you can see, your guilt remains.

The Ugly Door

There once was a man, who upon dying, found himself at the end of a long hallway. Meeting him was an angel, but good or bad he could not tell. Unsure of what to do and frightened, he ventured down a little further until he came to a door. Not just any door, but the most repulsive door he had ever laid eyes on. It reeked of death, so much so that his eyes watered and the man began to vomit. He ran back the other way, doing anything to escape that door as quick as possible for he never wanted to see such a terrifying thing again.

He ran into the angel yet again, and asked him "What is behind that awful door there?", his adrenaline overcoming his fear. The angel replied, "That door is the quickest way to see Jesus."

The man's heart sank. He wanted to see Jesus more than anything, but could not believe Jesus would reside behind such a door. Nonetheless, he gathered up his courage and reached for the door. He held his breath, closed his eyes, and ran in.

Upon opening them, he was in the whitest of rooms. The room was empty if not for a single chair. "This must be the waiting room to see Jesus" he thought, so he took a seat.

Immediately the room whirled around him. Images and pictures of horrible and unimaginable things surged around him. Murders, rapes, genocides, injustice, and suffering of his family and all his children, all of which were the result of things he had done in life. He tried to close his eyes, but the images persisted a seared his mind. "Make them stop!" he cried, but they only got worse. He fell flat on his face, weeping over the sorrow in the world, weeping for children, weeping for women he did not even know, but more than than weeping for himself. Overwhelmed until not an ounce of him wanted to live or even exist, he lay broken and beaten down. "No more... no more... This pain I cannot bear!" he whimpered.

"And no more must you endure for my sake. Now that you know the pain of my Father, your sins are forgiven." Jesus lifted him up. "My Lord!" exclaimed the man, now full of the Spirit, "Now I know just how far you came for me! Forever will I sing your praise! Forever will I praise your Name, the Lord most gracious and merciful! For now I know my debt, and now I can know forgiveness!"

With that, he left through the same door in which he came. Turning back to see the door one last time, he saw the most beautiful and ornate door he had ever laid eyes on. The door looked exactly the same as when he first saw it, but now his eyes were opened and filled with light. The angel turned and smiled at him, saying, "May I add one more pinch of humility?" The man, feeling so invigorated with life after going through what he just did, nodded. The angel motioned to his feet, "You stepped in something."

The King of the Closet

A man wrestles in an empty room
fighting back his impending doom
for in the room there is a closet
Alone he struggles in a fight to lock it

Behind that door lies vicious things
monsters and demons with claws and wings
his hands are pushed against the paint
as tooth and nail lash on his face

blood and sweat drip from his brow
But a voice beckons to him now
A man appears in purest white
standing across the room but out of sight

"Let it go and take my hand
Why do you suffer? On what do you stand?"
The man responds in frightful cry
"You're too far away! I'll surely die!"

"Let it go and take my hand
Take this passage to the promised land"
The man sends back a panting groan
"I'll never make it! I'll never get home!"

On and on the battle waged
What was minutes carried on like days
The man pleaded for the other's life
For the man and his closet locked in strife

Until at last the man collapsed
resigned to his fate he took one last grasp
His hand fell on Jesus so He took his hand
and lifted him to to stand man to man

He stood right behind him the entire time
but his fears changed the sight of his mind
The monster's in his closet weren't monsters at all
What seemed so big now seemed so small

This is the moral of the story
That broken things will return to glory
In learning to die in self reflection
this is the cycle of Resurrection

This is a story of grace and truth
And the time it takes to heal all wounds
In Christ the pain will be transformed
to make light of darkness and be reborn

Not To Be

Oh what do I inquire
that is my heart's desire
if I live lightly
would that be a lie?

A Persona's a mask
a hefty task
My facade's a joke
this is my yoke

But we're counting our losses
We're kicking down crosses
We're calling upon the name
but we're chanting in vain

Help me now to spread the news
put on your gloves, your hat, your ruse
Raise your hands and make a fist
Check brotherly love off your list

If we were to die tomorrow
would we return the life we borrow?
Or will we be caught dead asleep
our posts abandoned, but the yoke we keep?

But we're running the race
We're setting the pace
We're getting there fast, we're getting there first
But we're finding only an awful thirst!

Can we light our torches for candles to see?
Can we be more than just to be?
Shall I justify myself or just surrender?
This life lies past the pretender

My eyes are dimming, my thoughts like vapor
I am the law, the caped crusader
I can save you, if that's what you wish
But where I'll take you is worse than this

But we're clinging to our ornate crosses
We're keeping with them all our drosses
We're burning them now in refinery flashes
But we're covering our faces with the ashes!

Out of Commission

This is in response to what God has been revealing to me these past couple weeks (as I attempt to connect seemingly unrelated messages). I just got back from an invigorating Spiritual formation class. My spirit feels restless/excited/joyful so I thought some reflection on the themes of my life were in order. Also, forgive me, I jump all over the place, as is my mind's custom. A lot of stuff is being said that's been hitting me, so I write it down as I remember it through free association.

To start: my recent Facebook Status:

If A) I cannot lose my salvation (and fairly certain I am in the process), and if B) God exists outside of time (meaning all things that were, are and are to come are already to God), then does C) I am already worshiping God in heaven with all the angels and saints logically follow?

If time began when the universe was created and will end when Jesus comes back and the fullness of God's kingdom is seen on this earth, then this period known as "time" is just a blip in God's eternity. This must be true in order that God may be outside of time, hence unchangeable. Creation then, is a story with a beginning and a end, as told by the Bible, and through the history of the early church, up to the present day until the return of Christ (as told in revelation). If this is true, then the Fall of man had to happen to bless us with free will. If the story is already told, then God knows us well enough to know every single choice we'd make in all circumstances. Freedom becomes then not an instrument of choice, but rather an ability to become that which God requires of you in the story, unencumbered by sin and the slavery tied with it.

If this seems scary to you, it's because it is. Am I suggesting you just resign to your fate, if it is already written? Yes, but do you know why? God is a benevolent God. He wrote the story of your life. He wants to write a great ending for you if you resign the right to write your own story. It would be scary as Hell if God was a passive God, but this is the Gospel, that God came down to Earth to act on our behalf. And you best believe that God will use anything and everything (including permitting evil) to transform you to be the person God made you to be (this is what I meant when I said "freedom to become"). I count every struggle in my life past to be a blessing for without those, I would not be who I am today, redeemed in Christ from so much. Giving up your life, you will receive blessings far beyond those you could think you could want, but you will face hardships bigger than you could ever imagine, except now you have a powerful ally beyond all comprehension. God's imagination, unlike ours, is infinite. He just has to speak his Word and it come to be. If you don't think so, look at all the multitudes of animals, plants, fish, molecules, atoms, particles, planets, galaxies, and stars far beyond what someone could count. Each one was made, and each one is unique somehow. Though God may lead you through hard times, you know He leads you to salvation. Therefore do everything you can to make sure that the path you are on and the story you are in is God's epic tale, written in His Book of Life. God help those who reject this word, I pray it is not too late.

Now the question becomes, do you know what story you are living out? Is it a story of unconditional love and great sacrifice leading to redemption, or a bitter tale of misery after the pursuit of material things that you can't take with you in death. You get to choose the kind of role you want, but God already knows both what is best for you and what you will inevitably choose (and since God is love and truth, God will not manipulate you into loving Him. It must be your choice.). He weeps over every soul, for all must stand before him before being sentenced, if only so that Christ himself may see the face of his fallen child one last time.

When you die and jump into eternity, it is the same as waking up from a dream. You do not know how much time has passed since your death, but you will see all the saints and all the angels, all the prophets and the apostles, and the Triune God in full Glory. Knowing the truth such as this, who could deny the power of the gospel to save? Certainly Jesus believed in his message, and so did Paul, as they taught fervently. As Jesus said in Mark 1:38 "Let us go somewhere else-- to the nearby villages-- so I can preach there also. This is why I have come" He said this many sick people were seeking him out for healing. He left them unhealed. Was it lack of compassion? No, but Jesus had a mission. He not only proclaimed the Gospel, he WAS the Gospel.

Jesus prayed for future believers who would believe on account of the Apostle's message (John 17). That's us! Jesus prayed for US, that by our love Christ would be deified. That by our love we would show the world that Jesus is the one true God. With today's communication age, mass evangelism and spreading the gospel message has become so easy. We have Christian TV, radio, podcasts, websites, and sermons. The list goes on, but there is one problem. Jesus didn't call us to convert others with the Gospel. Matthew 28:19-20 "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very ends of the age."

Let's look at the phrase "in the name of the Father..." The word "name" isn't just a label. If you do a word study on how the "name" is used culturally, it is his very presence. In the name of God means in the presence of God to Hebrews. God is actually there doing the baptizing! Miracles in the name of God! There is power in Jesus's name! There is no power in saying the word Jesus; that is magic, not faith. Jesus is just a Spanish boy's name, but rather it's Jesus's presence in us and with us and that is power! Going back to John 17:24 "Father, I want those You have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world." Jesus dwells in us, so that when we love (for God is love), we are in Christ as Christ is in the Father, hence proving Jesus's status as Lord so that "all may believe".

Getting back to the original point, Jesus didn't say go make converts, but go make disciples. What is a disciple? One who has been disciplined. I can tell a million people about Christ dying on a cross, convert a few, and yet disciple none of them. What this communication age has enabled us to do as far mass evangelism, it has equally crippled us in terms of authentic personal discipleship. There is only one thing you need to do the will of God: The human voice. No projectors, no guitars, no amps, no microphones, none of that is needed. Are they bad? No, just extraneous. You know why discipleship is lacking? It's hard because love is hard. Discipleship takes a lot of your time to put up with a disciple, to love them to pay attention to and listen to them even when they are being a nuisance and you have others things you want to do. I became a Christian because someone really took the time to love me, even when I knew I was being overly clingy and attached. What Jesus said was true, that through love, unbelievers will know Jesus Christ is Lord and God. All it took was for someone to show me the love of Christ. Love is not any emotion or feeling. Any narcotics junkie can feel the same emotional high you can on a weekend retreat with God. You don't need God for fleeting feelings, but if you want to love, a love that takes patience and kindness, that does not envy or boast, then you need discipline. You need God.

If your Christian walk is easy, it's wrong. Are you not struggling with sin? Do you say you have a pretty good faith? Do you feel like your life is up to standard? Chances are you aren't doing what God requires of you. John 6:29 "The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent." To believe in Christ is to believe in his Word, to believe in his word is to obey his teaching, to obey his teaching is to be his disciple, to be his disciple is not inherit the Kingdom of God. Did Jesus say easy things? "I have come with a sword to turn a man against his father..." "If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off..." "Sell all of your possessions..." "Deny yourself and take up your cross..." Is this your response: "He couldn't have meant that literally! That is too hard! Who could survive if they just left everything they had to proclaim his name? Jesus would never sacrifice my happiness (or my iPod!) for the sake of the Gospel!" Awful things happen when people get too comfortable in their faith. The more comfortable you are, the less you pray, the less you seek God, the more you feel in control of your own life, the more you write your own way to destruction. "How hard it is for the rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven!... Children, how hard it is to enter the kingdom of heaven! It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God!" "But small is the gate and narrow is the path that leads to life, and only a few find it" (Mark 10:23-25) (Matthew 7:13)

Jesus said there will be persecutions if we leave everything for Christ's sake and the sake of the gospel, but that is one thing America lacks. Why? Why do I want persecution? I don't just want it, I pray for it because it is harder to be a Christian in America than in any other country without religious freedom. Your life is literally on the line if you preach the gospel in China. You risk social shame and imprisonment. In America, everyone thinks they are saved because they prayed the sinner's prayer once and wrote down the date in their Bible. Everything is alright, everyone is a Christian. In China, you must have faith, you must be committed to and know what you believe. In America, you just have to go to church. So many Americans are lulled into a false sense of security because they figure as long as they do what everyone else in the church does, they are good. It keeps me up at night thinking about how many Americans are in danger of Hell. Our churches don't help the problem. Our churches are more influenced by the culture than are influences of culture. Good financial stewardship means budgeting your money appropriately towards the capitalist goal so you can have an SUV and a house in the suburbs (which count as "God's blessing"). Evangelism means handing out groceries once a month to inner city families without caring about who they even are. Giving your possessions to the poor means donating the stuff you don't want or that doesn't fit you anymore so you can buy new stuff. We have always had an interesting way of twisting scripture to serve our purposes (Read Mark 7)

I am also afraid that you do not need God for truth. Before I get stoned for saying that, I am not saying God does not provide divine and perfect truth (as he plentifully does as pertaining to Scripture), but he reveals only what is necessary for us to know to work out our salvation in fear and trembling. In terms of Epistemology i.e. "What is true", Buddhists have a limited understanding, although their Ontology i.e. "What is real" is flawed. What is real precedes what is true. For example, say you know someone has the flu. You then know what must be true (that person has a fever, is achy, etc.) If you first knew what was true, you may arrive with any sort of realities that could fit that (a flu, a cold, malaria, etc.) Christians know what is real first (the Great I AM, the boldest statement of being), and Buddhists arrived at what is true first. I think they understand some aspects of truth better than Christians. I say this because if there exists universal truth, it is true for all and can be discovered by all (to varying degrees of totality). I've studied Buddhism in light of Christianity, and I can honestly say it helped me understand Scriptures on a deeper level. It only magnified Christ to me. What troubled me was the fact that another "religion" could stumble upon any truth without Christ who is "the truth". We could learn something from them as they emphasize spiritual experience, vibrant inner life, and fervent practice (things I feel modern Christianity lacks).

So what does Christianity offer us that is unique? What about communion (conversation, eating and drinking) at the same table as the God who created the heavens and the Earth? What about a personal relationship with a loving God who cares about someone so insignificant? What about a mentor who can teach us how to love so that we can restore this fallen world and thus usher in the Kingdom of God? If I didn't believe God could redeem this world, then I don't believe God can redeem me, and if God can't redeem me, then I have no business being here working towards useless goals. This body is as good as dead, for that is the only thing I can expect in life.

Jesus said Heaven and earth will pass away, so the kingdom you will be in will be the fullness of the kingdom God that He is building "now" (to us who are caught in time) to descend upon Earth with Jesus as it's rightful Lord and King. The victory is already won, the Kingdom of God is near! It will be already finished in eternity, you will be in a place where time has already ended, i.e. the world is no more, heaven is no more, just God and his Word in everlasting worship. If Abraham died, Isaiah died, and someone died 20 minutes before the rapture, they all will wake up to a Kingdom where everyone who will ever be there will be there already (if it is indeed outside time).

Of course this is contingent on a few things: 1) God being outside of time (the Eternal God) as opposed to the "Evolving God" model proposed by process theism and 2) God's sovereignty over all things in conjunction with the Truth of Human Free Will.